SHOW NOTES: Internal Family Systems
In this episode of Habits for Humans with Kim Flynn, Milton McLelland teaches how to use Internal Family Systems to make friends with all the parts of you: the angry part, the pleaser, the workhorse. You will meet Donald, Milt’s Angry part, as well as meeting Kim’s part Edna–who always wants her to wear a super suit. Learn how to become more balanced as an entire internal system and find more peace.
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Milton is a a mental health therapist who Kim made a entrepreneur with my therapist wife. We work to help those who struggle with trauma find healing and recovery. We have 2 great kids and live in Cedar City Utah.Roots Coaching: Life Skills Coaching for individuals, couples, and groups. Helping individuals from feeling overwhelmed, self-destructive, and stagnant in life to being empowered, accepting, and living values that build their life worth living. To schedule an appointment or sign up for our group programs, feel free to email us at [email protected] or call us at (435) 233-2240. Roots Coaching, Utah. A branch of Roots Counseling.
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Kim Flynn is a best-selling author, podcaster and serial entrepreneur and has built multiple seven and eight-figure businesses. Her company made the Inc 5000 list of the fastest growing companies in the country. She splits her time living in Costa Rica and Salt lake City, teaching business owners how to run profitable retreats through her company Retreat Works. Kim has one husband, four kids, and a dog and loves spreadsheets.
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TRANSCRIPTION: Internal Family systems
Hi, and welcome to habits for humans. The podcast that explores what makes people tick and how to get this. Brain of ours to do what we want it to do. I’m your host, Kim Flynn. And today we’re going to talk to [00:19:00] Milton McClellan. Uh, someone I consider a good friend of mine. I’ve known you for years and all around.
Funny guy, very vulnerable guy and just leads with his heart. He’s a sweetheart. So, um, we’re going to talk about how using internal family systems can help us overcome perfectionism. So this is a topic of Internal Family systems I know nothing about. I have no perfectionism running in my body at all.
And here’s how to tell here’s here’s the, here’s the tell of perfectionism? Um, so I’m on a, pre-call with a Milt for this podcast. This is a couple of weeks ago. And, uh, I opened up to him and share like, you know, my life has been different the past couple of years, it’s been really hard. And then I get off the phone and he’s so compassionate and so loving. It’s like he’s a therapist with Internal Family systems or something, which he is.
And so he’s so he’s so compassionate. Loving has. You know, leave so much space for me to be in that vulnerable space. I [00:20:00] hang up the phone. Immediately like vulnerability hangover, like, oh, what did I just do? I just showed weakness. Right? Like in that moment, there’s perfectionism coming out. And I realized after mil.
When I do that and I’m going to just psychoanalyze myself for a second. When I do that, I’m going into a space of not trusting others, that they can hold space for my weaknesses. Right. So I am so excited to get into this with you. Um, and, and to really talk about overcoming perfectionism. I almost hate that word perfectionism, because sometimes we don’t relate to it.
Um, and so if you’re, if you’re open to any other words, uh, having to show up always in a grape space, having to show up beautiful and having a great family and having a great career and. Always looking nice. That’s what we’re talking about today. Um, so Milt is a mental health therapist and he says in his bio who Kim made an [00:21:00] entrepreneur.
With this therapist of Internal Family systems. And they work to help those who struggle with trauma, find healing and recovery. They have two great kids and live in Cedar city, Utah, and their business has just exploded the past couple of years. I’ve been so impressed and watching from the sidelines. As you just really grow your business. So we have a giveaway for our listeners at the end. If you like state.
Uh, free stuff, stay tuned to the end and also a word from our sponsor habits for humans is brought to you by retreat works. We train you how to add high-end retreats to your coaching or wellness business. And you can add 50 K in sales to your business while traveling the world who wouldn’t want to do that. Right. So welcome Milt. The very first question I have for you, we always start the podcast with what is your number one habit to manage your own mental wellness? What practice.
Uh, do you do to manage the daily stress of life?
I Kim. First and foremost. Thanks for having me. Yeah. Your, your. My [00:22:00] favorite people. And if you allow me, I have a special. But I think you’ll enjoy. We can share. In the comments. At that later, good days back, you have a photo of remembrance. Is that what you said? Yeah. Activity. We did. And you will just laugh this care.
Well, I’m dying to see it. Do you have it? Can we pull it up on the screen or anything or not? I have it. I mean, of course I can. If you give me sharing rights, I can show you the photo. Okay. Yeah. Just to give you an idea. This is what Kim.
And try to become the best. Entrepreneurs. I think you could just take oversharing. Uh, do you have access to.
Okay. Go ahead. I just gave it to you now. Try again. Perfect. Perfect.
And those of you listening. I will describe the picture [00:23:00] to you in all of its gory detail. So.
Right now we’re seeing Milt screen. All his personal stuff is up there. You know, Oh, that’s hilarious.
So it says wanted by police. Uh, police department, bad boy and mill is wearing like some, uh, you know, really cool star glasses and. And rocking out as a feather boa. I love it.
These items. With my entrepreneur. We had to use. Hi, rolling it back. Oh, that’s funny. That’s funny.
All right. Good days. Take it away.
Let me give you a little background on Internal Family systems. And then answer the question, what I do. Um, so. He’s been a therapist for 10 years. Um, you’re heading into. Beer. My wife and I studied, reached canceling in 2016. Just kind of a part-time business. And then we got. Jumping ship. And going full time. [00:24:00] And it’s been one of the best decisions we ever made with everything that comes with it.
As hard as it is. It has been worth it to be the captain of our ships.
The therapy of Internal Family systems that we kind of started. And it will be Andrew therapy. It’s it’s in what they call a mindfulness based space. So it’s, we do a ton of mindfulness work everyday, and that’s a series of medications, or even doing something as silly as the hokey pokey and just paying attention to what it feels like in your body. As you let loose a little bit and do.
Craziness, but no one really has ever going to care that you did. So any kind of things like that in a day, those are the things that I focus on the most. In my morning. I try to give myself about. I have to do notes to really just kind of be quiet and settle and just be okay. Cause I know that day’s going to come, right. I mean there’s no, we can’t stop it. I’ve tried.
And I’ve tried hiding in my bed. It’s not the best answer, although it is nice. Sometimes everyone needs a mental health day with Internal Family systems. Um, and if anyone needs a letter. [00:25:00] Just let me know. All right. Do a letter for your mental health day? Um, Those days are important. And we still have to go out and do what we gotta do. So.
Give yourself 15 minutes just to start the day and just do something that works for you. For me, it’s predator meditation, it’s purchase study for other people. It’s things like that. But it just sets your mind and I’m on the right track. Let’s let’s dive into being a therapist then. So we’re talking.
The point of this podcast is internal family systems. Um, to overcome perfectionism or that need to just look great in all areas of your life. Yeah. You talked about dialectical behavior therapy as well, as well as mindfulness. How, how do you as a therapist even choose which lane of like theory you want to go down, do you just try all of it and see what’s what.
Well, it is, sometimes it does feel like you just grab all of it.
Um, we started, so we went through the university of Connexus program.
And it was a great program, but it was very [00:26:00] focused on. Cognitive behavior therapy, not Internal Family systems. That’s kind of the backer field. There’ll be everywhere. People watched him. You’ve seen them kind of confront people like. What’s your thinking. And how did that thinking? You can start and you want to carry on the behavior.
To keep getting the same consequences or do you want to change the behavior and get it done? That’s the real basic model, ABC. Activating events, behavior and belief and consequences. That’s kind of been the Cadillac of treatment forever. I started working at a residential program, right when I started grad school and they were a DVP program. So I just started reading through these skills and dialectical behavior therapy.
Is a. Western therapy of Internal Family systems So all the behavior stuff mixed with Eastern Buddhist philosophy. So you’ve got these two worlds that combined. And I just loved what I was reading and for me it accentuated all of my beliefs. And not just my, my therapy beliefs, but my personable use as well. So it. [00:27:00] I think if you’re going to do therapy effectively.
You have to find the model that kind of accentuate your values. The research is pretty clear. 90% of therapy has nothing to do with the system. We use. 90% of it is this. They’re connecting with each other. And if that connection works. And the therapist stays consistent with his model or her model.
Then it works. Wow. So. Sadly, the biggest part of therapy is not the amount that I’ve spent on school. The biggest part of therapy is can you and I connect, is there trust there when things go wrong? Is it repairable? And, and then this becomes the relationship we get the practice with because there’s no real consequences. If you break up with me.
There’s only a consequence in your life when you break up with people that you’re connected to. So we get to practice with us. And if that trust is there and we use a model, it can work. That’s really fascinating. I never realized that it has nothing to do with what you do. It’s nothing to do with your trading. [00:28:00] It’s uh it’s can you connect?
Can you connect with the person in Internal Family systems? I wonder if there are some, uh, some, some.
Sometimes when that is not true, though. When the person who has no idea what they’re doing. And they’re lovely. I’m just trying to throw a wrench in your model. So there’s no way to really tell if a therapist is in a bad place. That’s that’s one of the things I think is really frustrated with the process. And that’s why I think it’s important for us therapists to go out in the world.
And show the world who we are. Because we need to be judged in the world, just like every other businesses, but the kind of standard, because we’ve all got a license from the state that we Morgan, it’s almost like we’ve got this check mark that says, yep. You’re good. And, and insurance companies don’t validate whether you’re good or not.
Basically, if you don’t have any complaints. It’s a certain thing. You’re good. And that’s not really a great model. I’m not a real big fan of that model. I want to compete. I want to show everyone that I can help you. I want to earn your business. And I want to be [00:29:00] able to prove that we’re in this fight with you. We’re not just here.
Come sit at my feet and. And let me imbue my guru knowledge of Internal Family systems into new. I don’t, I don’t want to do that. I’ve never been really good at that. Anyway, I do like having all the answers. That’s kind of one of my personality traits that I get the more. That’s awesome. All right. So real question for you.
If 90% of the results you get from therapy. Um, come from the relationship. Why is that? Why can’t we just talk to our friends and get the same results? I think that the 10% can matter in that regard because the fact that we do study out trauma at the back, we study at the brain. After we study how the systems work together and.
And we’ll get into this with internal family systems.
The fact that we spent the time and the training in this stuff with Internal Family systems gives us a leg up and say your price. It’s not that your friend doesn’t have a lot of free tools for you and your friend can be a great asset to you, but they also have a bias. If they’re your friend. They’re with you [00:30:00] already. You come into my world and I don’t necessarily have a bias against you, I think necessarily because we all have natural biases. So I’m not going to say I’ve never had never any biases talking to my clients. That’s just not true.
And. I don’t have anything to lose or gain. By telling you something that I’m observing. It’s not to help strengthen the friendship, or I don’t have any way to, like, you’re not going to come and move my couch on a Saturday. Because we’re friends or we’re in a therapeutic relationship. So I can tell you things that say might not happening friendship, but you need to hear.
And can challenge you in ways that are beneficial. And the fact that we don’t have the history makes a difference too, because you know, it’s a cleaner slate, but it’s coming from. That makes sense. I like. A cleaner slate. Yeah. That does make sense. All right. So let’s dive in. We’ve talked a little bit about dialectical behavior therapy. I love the idea of that west means meets east.
Uh, we are so freaking sick of cognitive behavior therapy. [00:31:00] I’ll speak for the whole world on that one.
Let’s talk about internal family systems. This is something that I just heard of maybe a big year or two ago. Uh, as a friend of mine was going through this, and then I read a book about it and I was like, oh, this is actually really cool. Um, will you kind of give us the nutshell of how it works? So the founder is.
Uh, Richard Schwartz or Dick Schwartz is what he goes by is an marriage and family therapist. Marriage and family therapy is very different than how I was trained. Okay. Marriage and family therapy deals a lot more with the outside world. And in the outside world, we try to look at how the systems interacting.
The way I restrained was to look at the person in a world and try to figure out how that’s connecting. So Richard is doing all this stuff. And has always had a passion for helping people be. His dad worked at a hospital and he ended up doing a. His internship hours during the summer. And whatnot, working on the behavioral health.
And his dad was a [00:32:00] doctor. So he sat through these people were going through like the worst of the worst experiences. Right. And you show up to the, to the hospital for a mental health emergency. It’s not a good day. So. E a huge compassionate to these clients. Welcome to the marriage and family health field. And.
He tried. All of the techniques that are supposed to help people who have bulemia and anorexia eating disorders, and also had a lot of self-harming suicidality issues. And the story that kind of pushed us forward. In Richards. At books that he talks about is. He was working with a girl you’ve worked with for a long time. And.
This girl had a self-harming problem. And she was, she was cutting. And they worked with. This part, and they did a therapy called gestalt therapy. And they used a technique called empty chair technique. So they sat two chairs facing each other. And the girl would bounce back between [00:33:00] her and the part that was cutting.
And Richard and. And then the girl was in herself side, as opposed to the cutting person side, they worked with this girl for like two hours in a session. And just talk with this empty chair of this other part of her, if you will not even recognizing that this is the start of his therapeutic journey into this parts world.
And they built the safety contract with Internal Family systems that said we’re not going to cut anymore. And everyone walks out feeling. Yay. We did it. And the girl comes back to therapy the next week. In giant cut down her face. And Richard throws himself into his chair and says,
I give up. I clearly don’t know what I’m doing here. And the girl. Responding and the self-harming part says. I know we now, will you miss him to me? Wow. And Richard’s like, Okay. And all of a sudden you [00:34:00] started realizing that all the outward systems that he would see in these family dynamics. Was, and had been playing out in his client full time.
And so we started developing the system around this theory around it, and his theory has basically three components. There are tricky. Before, before we get into the nuts and bolts though, I just have to stop and respond to that. That’s such a wow moment. So the goal isn’t to shut down that bad part of you, the goal is to listen to that.
Part of you that’s causing harm in Internal Family systems. Yeah. In fact, his book is called no bad parts. Wow. Philosophy is any parrots. No matter what they’re doing. Even if it’s clearly damaging, ineffective, whatever. There is a function. But this part, there’s a message. This part is trying to convey. And if we can connect with that part.
We can. Then build a deeper connection with ourselves. Our parts start to trust us [00:35:00] more. And then we grow into the person we want to be instead of fighting ourselves for. Building ourselves up from the inside out. I would love. I love. This is really powerful. You, you explain it really, really clearly. So I appreciate that.
I have to share with you about Internal Family systems before you go into your three steps. Um, I have to share with you kind of how I play with this in my life. So in my life, I imagine. Do you know, Edna. Edna from the Incredibles, the really short lady would have care. The no capes that lady. So. I actually imagine her when I’m like in freak out mode or I’m scared or I’m, whatever else I imagine her in like this.
You know what in the classic movie, the big whites. You know, expanse of nothing. And then there is a stool and on that stool, Edna sets. And I watched what I’m trying to get ahold of. W what am I feeling right now? I just watch Edna. And she like, runs around like a crazy person. Sometimes she like crawl into bed covers over her bed, her head, and just wants [00:36:00] to cry. Like, it’s, it’s really helpful to be able to look at this other.
Part of you and what they’re doing. I also have identified one of the first. This is embarrassing. Revealed myself. The other person. I’m showing you a picture of my parents. It’s so great. Yeah. Oh, I love it. Okay. My other part is when I’m feeling really connected to my husband and I’m in this like loving space.
Um, What’s the movie of like the cartoon girl from Disney. But she’s in real life. Do you know her? Oh, And champions. And chanted that like sweet. Oh,
Uber, Uber feminine and not very, very naive. That kind of thing. So those are the two parts that I have running in me. We’ve got enchanted and at Napa, both, both. Cartoon figures anyway.
Awesome parents. And I love what you said about that most is you actually can see what they’re doing. And you can see the function of [00:37:00] how they, and why they exist in your system. Yeah. I just lose you where to go milk. Are you still here?
I was. Technology. I was just adjusting my headphone. You’re good. I love what you’re describing that. But you can see the function of those parts. Okay. And you can see that you have a relationship a bit. Now, what ifs does is actually has you connect with those parts? And actually as you interact with them in a way that is useful so that you can understand and deepen that relationship.
More importantly, discover. Why they took on the job they get with Internal Family systems. And that’s the piece that I love the most. So, so in DBT, it’s, it’s actually kind of. This has been one of the issues I’ve had with DVT. The 10 years that I’ve been doing it is we [00:38:00] function as a squashing therapy. It’s a behavioral therapy. So we’re trying to eliminate all the negative behaviors in your life.
I have fast says. Turn towards those behaviors, connect with them. See if we can help them grow out of the behavior that’s causing us problems. And then go into the job. They want to have that to me is like the perfect metaphor of life that we’re growing into the version of us that we want to. Wow.
One of the. One of the things the Buddha would talk about sometimes is. We can always project. You know, a higher power, but we can see who we want to be in 10 years. You know, or five years or whatever. And this is kind of a common practice, right? Yeah, aim for the person you want to. Well, the parts will tell you that’s who you actually want to be or not. Or if it’s a part that’s trying to drive that versus the system, trying to drive that, and then you can change your priorities in the way you’re doing life.
Based on the understanding of Internal Family systems is it. Part that’s driving it and that part’s [00:39:00] been dominant. I mean listening to my whole system. And saying, okay, am I making the right decision? I’m making the decision as the, so to go towards this person. I want to be. And that to me is empowering because ultimately this process.
Gets me to be fired. And I want people to fire me. I want them to walk away from therapy, feeling like they’ve got the tools they need them to make adjustments needed. When new things come up. You know, or if they need just a little help, they can come in and get a little bit of help and not have to go into another year’s worth of therapy.
All right. So what I’m hearing is the first step is find an even label, the parts. Are we talking like 20 different people in there or are we talking about two or three? It depends. What are you looking for in this. So the answer is always going to be yes, right? It depends on the person. Sometimes we’re going to see some dominant parts. And sometimes we’re going to see a lot of tiny little parts that are running around.
And the more I do this with clients, we spend a lot of time [00:40:00] mapping. And we’ll draw them out or we’ll write them out. And we actually try to track. Um, what the function of each part is, what the relationship between the parts are, which parts of the mind, and we’ve talked the gang war like inside of you, which parts are fighting on this side.
Which parts are fighting on that side of you. And. Are there really fighting or they just believe they’re fighting. So it’s, it’s, it’s a deep process and that’s why I think they’re going to make your friend question, your friend’s not going to want to waste all this time with these things. You’re trying to just kind of up to the healthier.
Move on. We take the time to kind of work through these things with you. And the other part that I love about ifs is they highlight coaches just as much as they do therapy. I don’t think therapists have. A special power that been announced as. I learned this stuff by reading and going to trainings.
So I love the coaches that I’ve worked with and ifs too. I just finished up a 16 week training course in this and there. Half of the people there were coaches and half of them were therapists. [00:41:00] And it was great to see the coaches perspective versus the therapist perspective. So if you are looking for something like this in your life, you can use a coach and it works just as well.
Really interesting. Okay. So again, step one, find label the part I love that you’re like, what is the function of its part? How long, how did they get along? Uh, and do the whole like genealogy mapping of all these people.
That makes my heart flutter. I’m like, can we spreadsheet as well? Like can we put in the spreadsheet? There is an Excel sheet waiting.
With, like, which percentage does Edna come out versus?
All right. Number two, you connect with each part, why they took on the job. They did give us some more context on that. How would we dive deeper into that? So there’s kind of the six apps is what they call them. Fine. Uh, Focus on. You’re going to ask me to remember all of them. Uh, figure out their fears.
[00:42:00] Um, a lot of it is just kind of, how do you build the connection with them and focusing. Connecting with. Figuring out how old they are versus how will they think you are? It’s interesting when you kind of work with a part that’s like I’ve got a child part that’s around 10. That’s my angry part. Um, and my angry parent and I go way, way back.
Um, That part. Was the part that protected me the most, because I felt so unequal to everyone around me. We were dirt poor. Um, We. But in 1984, I happened to see my dad’s social security statement about 15 years ago. And in 1984 family or Southern, we were making $10,000 a year. So less than a thousand dollars a month.
And we were living off of government cheese and guttural, peanut butter, not as big of a fan of achieves as I am with a peanut butter. That was pretty tasty stuff. Um, you know, we did the typical waiting on the. The [00:43:00] porch. For the mailman to come so we can get our food stamps. Cause there was a game you could play food stamps.
You could go buy a nickel candy. And then they’d have to get your 95 cents back because the, the stamps and the came in increments of dollars, $5, $10. So we’d get on an allowance of like $3 and then we’d go buy three candies. And then we had $2. 85 cents in change that we spend on whatever we wanted. And that was, that was the poor life that we live.
You know, like those shoppings at the BI. At the, you know, cool shops. Although my dad was nice enough to buy us the wonder where, which we were always grateful for. No, D I underwear. Um, And so I, I got angry as a kid and I got angry about the situation we were in and I saw these other people having stuff and me not having things.
And this anger part. Really pushed me to be better. No, I have tons of, of learning disabilities. I can’t write worth, worth beans. Um, My grandma is still in the fourth [00:44:00] and fifth grade level, although God Grammarly exists. So I sound a lot more intelligent now. Um, I actually didn’t go into resource classes because I watched my brothers get teased. So mercilessly that I refuse to, to not pass those tests. So my anger actually focused me so hard on those tests that.
They give you to get into resellers, but I passed them with flying colors, but then doing all the other schoolwork, I was awful. The student throughout high school. Um, and my bachelor’s degree. It took me 10 years, but if I didn’t have that anger part, I wouldn’t have kept on. So that anger part has been my weirdly my biggest cheerleader.
You can fight through this and no obstacle is going to stop you. The downside of it has been, I’ve been the quickest fight. People I’m so. Raw sometimes that. I get into arguments with people. And that was the way that I would protect myself because I wasn’t physically strong ever. I got bullied. In fifth grade and a lot in seventh [00:45:00] grade.
And. I knew how to be witty. So, if I could disarm you with words, knowing that I wasn’t going to ever take your physically. I, even though I was getting beat up, I felt like I won. Do you see how these parts like create this weird narrative, this story that they tell you so you can keep moving forward.
And that’s what I did is I became witty. I became really sarcastic and funny. Do you know who gets beat up less? The funny guy in the classroom. So I became the funny guy. So then out of this anger part comes my funny guy parts. And so you can see how they start evolving into other parts as well. And that was, that was what pushed me in back of my, my debate coach.
In high school told me I was never going to be a psychiatrist because she knew how much I worked at writing and reading and all that kind of stuff. I should. With my English teacher too. And it should pass me by just to give you the glasses, because having those, she had to read my papers and they were awful.
Um, And [00:46:00] she wasn’t saying that to be mean, she was saying that this is Nope, you’re going to have to write a time. And you don’t have those skills right now. My angry part, took that and said, oh yeah, all prove it. Which is great. So I don’t need to be mad at her because she told me something. I can understand how that part took that information and used it as fuel to push me forward.
I took 10 years to get my bachelor’s degree. 10 years. I changed so many times. It’s not even funny. This part is the part that kept me going. And then when I finally got my master’s and this part kind of got to do a sigh of relief, it was like, who do I fight? Now you you’ve kind of got there. And I got my job and nearly lost my first therapy job.
That was a whole story. And it just, all these things. So this, this part tried to come out in different ways and we weren’t exactly meshing. And I’ve had some great conversations with, but over the last. A little while as we’ve worked through the ifs model, because to do the ifs, you have to be in ifs [00:47:00] therapy, which is, I think is awesome.
Um, we’ve had some great conversations. Why he’s still responding the way he is. And this part is a he, and that’s where it gets interesting. As the parts get to decide their gender, they get the beside their names. They get to decide everything. Even the fact that they looked like Edna from the incredible.
Um, which I love. Um, in fact, my, when I show you my inside out head, I’ve got all my characters. Donald is my anger. And you’ve got the fire coming out of the side of the possum. Um, I I needed that. To get to where I am, but I don’t need that same energy to keep going. Yeah. I need a different energy. So this part, and I need to evolve into a different state. Wow. So so much they’re like, that was. that was. a whole meal with. There’s so many questions. Um,
just to recap though, first of all, We’re trying to find. What they’re trying to tell us what they’re trying to teach us. Right. And I [00:48:00] love your example of Donald and the anger. Are we trying to find the good. I hate to make that binary. This is good. This is bad, but we’re trying to find. What’s the function is that can help us. Is that right? Are they ever just purely destructive or does every piece have something that can help us? Every part. Believes they’re helping the system. Okay. That’s where it starts and stops. And it’s the way you get healthy is the parts connect with the self. Pure version of you. So. The answer is good or bad, kind of a, an arbitrary term because it’s, it’s, it’s so about what works for you and what works for other people. Right. So if this part is damaging in some ways, like sometimes my angry part was very chaotic. And that would damage a relationship. And that’s not effective. That’s not helpful in [00:49:00] the long run. It would hurt relationships between my wife and me. It would hurt relationships between my me and my kids. Um, in fact, there was a real big moment where I recognized this part was not helping me with my daughter. She came in and gave. You know, the perfect daughter moment. Like 15, she comes in, we’re running late for church. And she comes in and says, how can I help? Like every parent’s dream, you recognize her. We need help. And she goes, and my wife says, make me breakfast, make me a big on. Put some cream cheese on it. And so she goes and does it. And I come out and I’m eating my breakfast at the table. And, um, she’s, schmearing the bagel and she drops. The knife. And she says, oh shit. And I kind of spiff it up a little bit and I kind of pivot towards her and I look at her and I see just this utter fear on her face. It was the saddest moment I have had, and I referenced this morning a lot. Because I want to remember it. [00:50:00] Um, And I made a joke. To get her to laugh. And then later on that day, I pulled her aside. And I said that look that you had, when you dropped that night. And I looked at you and you were scared of me. I know I caught that. I know this anger part of me. I didn’t have these words yet. But I know the Seder part for me caused that and I’m going to work really hard to not ever. To for you to never have that look on your face again with him. Because that anger part was not, I. All the time when he got home from work, it was Henri attacks. You know, So, yeah. And that’s and I think that’s the beauty of it is we, they can grow just like we can grow. So it’s haning onto a behavior that a choose since it was 10. Because that’s what it. No. Well, I’m 45. Now, if I’m still acting like a 10-year old of my anger. That’s a problem for me. If it’s not a problem for you. Great, good, good for you. And I hope your life is great. It’s a problem for me. And so we have [00:51:00] conversations all the time. So the good part is never bad and yet it can still engage in some things that are not good. I I’m trying to apply this to my Edna and Edna, for sure. Isn’t bad. But Edna has thought that she had to run the show for a very long time. Bless her heart. Right. She’s been working so hard. And she’s been thinking like she’s the one in charge she has to, you know, make me successful and make me do all these things and make me look good and never get hurt. And she’s been the feeling like she has to hold all of that. And it’s been so nice to connect with that deeper part of me. Uh, you know, you hear it like the clouds and the. and the. sky, right? So Edna is the clouds. And just to be able to connect to your sky. And I go into that whites, that white space, you know, Uh, in the, in the movie and I just sit next to her and I say, let’s, let’s just look at the stars together. Let’s just look at the stars. Can I tell you what’s beautiful about that. That’s [00:52:00] literally the healing process and. That’s the exact process that we go through risk. As we sit with our parts as us, as our true self. And we witnessed with them what they want us to see. So you’re actually doing, this is what makes us so cool. Is therapists and ever discovering anything or therapists? To invent anything we discovered. There are so many stories, just like what you described that people have turned towards that inner child, that version of them inside them. It’s just different. And they’ve sat next to them and said, How can I help you? What do you need? Do you need a hug? Can I just give you a hug right now? And, and just share gratitude with you. And that’s where I F I suppose, into what they call the eight C’s. Caring compassion connection and a bunch of other stuff. And I can. You know, give us some handouts that you can post with the videos that shows all of these things. There was eight scenes are the pure energy of self. Hmm. [00:53:00] So whatever you connect with that. that. has those eight C’s. And going back to Edmond. This is why Edna runs around sometimes running the show is because sometimes she has these eight seat characteristics. She’s caring, compassionate, courageous. Um, wants to get you achieving your goals, all of those things. So that’s, self-like energy. She also has anxiety. Doesn’t she? she? also has a ton of like, I am never going to be good enough. I’m never going to accomplish. And you wanted to come up with a new term for perfectionism. I’m going to say, call it, putting on your suit. When you put on your. Edna suit, you know, and, and you choose where you take that off in the day. In your house. We kind of suit up into this, this. this, part and this. part then comes and takes over the consciousness. The goal is of ifs is to get the cell back in charge and hearing the parts of the [00:54:00] council, not as them having to take over. So there has to be trust reestablished between the parts of the south. Edna probably doesn’t trust that Kim will follow through all the time. Because I’m sure. Does it fall through all the time? Edna derives me to deal with. Yes. And you can see how that laser focus helps Edna. And helps Kim. And so there are times where as the self will step back and say, Edna, do your job. Hmm, because I trust you. So we don’t want these parts to go away and we definitely don’t want them to, to feel invalidated or devalued. We want to respect that they do. And we want them to run through the right system. We want them to come to us and say, Hey, this is my plan. And then work with the cell. In that calm, compassionate, connected way. And then the self is the one signing off on. Yep. You go do what you do best. Okay. That’s, that’s my biggest takeaway from all of this. The [00:55:00] goal is not to get Edna to be quiet and sit still. Like that’s not the goal. The goal is to deeply respect Aetna. Thank you. Thank. Her for the role that she has played and will continue to play in my life. And work together with her. Um, Uh, in, in whatever I’m trying to do or, or be, so that’s really beautiful. It’s not about shushing Aetna. It’s about listening to Edna. That’s really beautiful. And the shusher is another park. No, that’s my Mormon. Sorry. Shusher is another part of you. And if you call your man. Because. I’ve got some fun. Parts around that. I’ve got my Bishop arts. That helps me track it by Bishop art came on when I was about 12 and me and my Bishop clashed upon. So, yeah. I get that. I didn’t mention that part. But she’s there too. I’ve left the church mid. A decade ago. Uh, I don’t think these parts of us [00:56:00] ever go away. They are there. Yeah. The metaphor that I’ve used over time is whatever your beliefs about afterlife. If we just go back to the universe, if we just know there’s this cool, awesome. Having that be go to the ward. Party. If you know it isn’t. The Mormon version, whatever. I don’t really care. I know that energy never goes away. So I’m going to turn into something after I bet. My soul is how I viewed myself. The cell is unbreakable. That’s why it’s that pure self energy, that pure curiosity, that pure calmness, that pure connectedness. That’s something I can access all the time. The parts are kind of like how my body works. And this is where the phrase is. Like the body keeps the score and things like that. The parts live in my body. And my body. is what I connect with and what the outside world connects with. And so they see my parts a lot more than they see me, because most people don’t connect on a soul level. Every time we do. It’s a really good process. But in [00:57:00] reality, it’s not something we’re going to do all the time because it’s one of those special things. And so my soul will carry on no matter what it’s unbreakable. The parts can get damaged. The parts can carry Hertz. The parts can take on jobs where they feel like the soul or the self is not doing the job. And that’s why ed that takes over. That’s why. Edna says, get into your super suit and go do what we need to do. The the difference when we’re balanced. Is that Edna’s bringing this concern, your showing it. The respect back. And then you guys together decide, is it super suit time or just can need to step up a little bit more. And show Edna that you don’t have to drive the boat. I’ve got this. And that’s a really empowering statement. This is just amazing though. I could talk to you for another. You know, eight hours. Okay. That was just amazing. Thank you so much for sharing all those stories about yourself. Thanks for [00:58:00] diagnosing Aetna and giving me some. Context around there. And I love that it’s a super soon. We redefined perfectionism as putting it like suiting up. That’s that’s the perfect expression for me. Suiting up. Yeah, I totally get that. So thank you again for being on here. As we wrap things up reminder, the goal of this podcast is to instill wellness habits into your daily life to build a life beyond its fine. Let’s achieve spectacular, joyful, and deeply satisfying. What is it that you plan to do with your one wild and precious life? We’ve got a giveaway from our sponsor. Retweet works. We’ve got training webinars coming soon. I don’t have anything. And Richard works as my company. Uh, I don’t have anything online yet. I’m like mad scrambling. Edna is mad, scrambling working in the background. To roll this thing out. But Kim has taken a lot of mental wellness breaks lately. Edna is not, you know, driving. So I don’t have any links for you today. If you would like to be invited to the [00:59:00] webinar for any of our listeners. Uh, you’re going to actually just find me on Facebook. It’s the Kim Flynn. Find me on Facebook and tell me you want to be invited to the webinar and we’ll get you invited there. These are, these are all live webinars. Um, none of that prerecorded stuff for me, because I want connection. I want actual connection in this phase, you know, 12 of my life. So Mel, thank you so much for joining us. Thanks to our listeners as well. Have a wonderful day. And thank you in advance for giving us a positive review. Thanks everyone. No, that was incredible. Yeah. Except I’m stupid. Microphone. Coming off. Super easy, super easy. That was so good. I could’ve talked to you all day. I think that’s gonna be fascinating for people. So, and thanks for going there. I apologize. And you’re cut off. I didn’t get to mention you the group that we’re starting. Okay. We’re going to add that back in. So hold on one second. All right. And also has a giveaway for us smelt ticket away. So we are in the process of. So we’re [01:00:00] still deeply involved with DBT and DVT is a great program because it’s got these skills that really help you. But we’re integrating and turn up on my systems and to BBT because they work really well together. And when something doesn’t work in DVT week, instead of trying to behave your way out of it, we can go to the park that’s objecting and that’s cool. And we can work with the part and help them kind of take on these skills or they can decide, you know what? I don’t want that skill. I’ll just use these over here. So we’re going to be starting an online group. That’s a special.